To Grade or Not to Grade? Understanding the Role of Scores in a Child’s Confidence.

This is a question that troubles so many moms and dads, and it directly influences the educational path they choose for their children: Do grades actually matter, or do they not? Based on my years of experience guiding countless children, I have gathered a few insights to share with you all.

I grew up in the era of "one cane strike for every point missed." Fortunately, I was rarely beaten because my mother told my teachers, "My daughter’s hands are meant for the piano, so you cannot hit them." Although I didn’t end up becoming a professional musician, that excuse spared me from many disasters. Even so, the memory of those rare strikes on my palms and the terrifying whoosh of the rattan cane remains vivid to this day. Back then, your test scores determined your fate—a culture that still dominates conversations whenever my junior high classmates and I catch up.

As the eldest son, my brother bore the brunt of my father's exceptionally high expectations. My father tutored him personally every single day. In my memory, my brother rarely smiled happily because he was always under intense scrutiny to study. He was the epitome of a student who suffered through his education. Though he eventually got into university (and back then, admission rates were abysmally low, so it truly brought honor to the family), I can only imagine how brutally he must have been beaten at school. He spent his entire childhood chasing after the top tier in advanced classes. Just thinking about that level of hardship still tastes bitter.

From the past to the present, our method of evaluating learning outcomes has largely remained unchanged. This is true even after the implementation of the 108 Curriculum Guidelines, where the education sector has repeatedly proclaimed that "competency" matters more than grades. For the past decade, schools at all levels have stopped displaying class rankings on report cards in an attempt to downplay the shadow of grades. The media is flooded with narratives championing character, diverse interests, and discovering a child's unique spark. There is a palpable cultural atmosphere telling children: Grades don’t matter, just have fun learning.

But children aren’t foolish. Do they really not know whether they excel at test-taking or not? And parents are only lying to themselves. If their child is struggling academically, can they really just close their eyes and pretend not to see it?

The truth is, grades absolutely matter.

I have seen this verified time and again through the growth of many children, and I have categorized my observations into two distinct dimensions:

1. From the Child's Perspective: Poor grades lead to missed opportunities.

When my daughter was little, she took piano lessons. Her music school offered an opportunity to attend an overseas summer camp, but it required passing an audition first. Now, I had never forced my daughter to practice the piano in a certain way; I believed she should just play for the pure joy of it. Consequently, she didn’t pass the audition. When the roster of accepted students was announced, she burst into a flood of tears. From that moment on, her enthusiasm for music steadily waned until she finally just said, "Forget it."

I believe this exact scenario plays out every single day in children's lives. If your grades aren't good enough, you get bypassed for every selection process. Forget about bringing glory to your class; you won't even get the chance to participate, achieve personal goals, experience that specific joy, or sometimes even get time to play during recess. Children either see this "social reality" for what it is and learn to take care of their grades, or they learn to let it go, accept their position within the group, and find their own comfortable way to cope.

In the adult world, if we consistently underperform in a certain area, we lose interest. To put it nicely, we naturally avoid it. To put it bluntly, we give up. Children are exactly the same. If we fail to give them a sense of achievement in their studies, their interest will inevitably fade, and they will eventually give up. From that point onward, they will just zone out during class, and their academic performance will become impossible to salvage.

2. From the Parents' Perspective: Poor grades create social and peer pressure.

These days, elementary school teachers are incredibly responsible. They frequently remind parents that "your child needs to work a bit harder." Class chat groups are constantly buzzing with messages about competitions, grades, and assignments. As a busy parent, the most common gut reaction to this is to flare up with anger, wondering why your child can’t just be a bit more ding-zing (attentive and conscientious). If parents still have any energy left, they will aggressively try to "forcefully boost" their child's studies. In either case, parents often tell their children, "I don't care about the grade; I care about your attitude. If your attitude were right, you wouldn't be so forgetful. If you were serious, you wouldn't have done this or that..."

But wait—didn't we say grades don’t matter? Why do we still expect children to perform well?

Even if parents understand that grades don't define everything, the reality is that a child's performance is constantly being compared against their peers in class. There is no escaping it.

• Social dynamics: From the standpoint of human society, children with poor grades are less likely to be valued within a group. As a result, their confidence and self-esteem often take heavy blows, making it very difficult for them to be truly happy.

• Parental anxiety: Driven by the biological instinct to nurture and protect our offspring, parents naturally become anxious when faced with a child's poor academic performance. They may even doubt their own parenting abilities, leading to tension in the parent-child relationship.

The True Value of Grades: Building a Child's Confidence

Because of my profession, I often find myself having to persuade children to study hard. I generally use three different approaches depending on the child's personality:

Approach A: For capable but procrastinating, careless children

"If you want school to be fun, then focus and learn what the teacher is showing you. Finish your homework quickly and correctly, so you won't keep getting called back to fix it. That way, you'll have way more time to play. Are you a smart kid? (The child will usually nod proudly). Then do you want to choose the path that lets you play sooner, or the path that leaves you with no time to play at all?"

Notice what happened here? I offered the child a direct benefit that comes from focusing, thereby sparking internal motivation. This usually yields immediate results—but don't expect them to remember it tomorrow. Trust me, this trick only works for the day.

Approach B: For children with inconsistent performance and shaky foundations

"Do you want to figure out why you keep making mistakes on this exact same concept? This issue keeps tripping you up. If we don't fix it, it’s going to keep bothering you. I’m free right now—let me sit with you and help you completely understand it."

Notice the shift? I am not negotiating with the child, nor am I asking them why they don't get it (adults love to ask useless questions like, "Where are you stuck? Why do you always get this wrong?"). Instead, I state clearly that we are going to master this topic today, and I dedicate my focused attention to helping them solve the problem.

Approach C: For unmotivated children who have completely checked out

"Look, I know you aren't interested in math. But I have to tell you, you can't just drop it. You will have to take math all the way through high school. If you give up now, it’s only going to be more painful later. Plus, math is deeply connected to your everyday life—buying things, traveling abroad, or even trading items with your friends all require math. So, overcoming it is our only option. Tell you what, let’s come up with a plan together. We will go entirely at your pace, and slowly, step-by-step, we'll fill in the gaps."

Notice what I am communicating here? It is: "You have to learn this, but I will let you have a say in how we do it." The core technique here is empathy: "I acknowledge that this is very difficult for you, so I am going to walk right beside you and take it slow."

Learning can be slow, but it can never be abandoned.

We must accept the reality that a child whose academic foundation is broken cannot be truly happy. Even if we don’t blame them, the child feels it themselves. Deep down, they secretly envy their high-achieving classmates.

We must also confront our own parental anxieties. Even though we know grades aren't everything, it is incredibly difficult for a child who struggles academically to build self-confidence. And helping our children grow into independent, happy individuals is, ultimately, the ultimate report card for any parent.

When it comes to your child's report card, punishing them for every missed point is entirely unnecessary—it only breeds fear and a hatred for learning. But conversely, we cannot simply let them be careless and indifferent either, because that leads to a lack of confidence, which also breeds a hatred for learning.

Walking alongside your child is the best strategy. Set clear boundaries for them: Learning is non-negotiable. I will be right here to give you all the support you need, but you must cross the finish line yourself.

Note: This article focuses solely on discussing the psychological importance of grades; it does not delve into specific teaching strategies to boost a child's learning motivation.